It was a hot, steamy July day in Manhattan in the late ‘70s – the day of the New York Bar Exam.
About 1,000 new law graduates, including myself, were standing in a long line, waiting to walk into a large hotel ballroom, where, over the next two days, we would take the exam.
I could feel the tension crackling in the air and suddenly an inner voice started muttering, “Only half the people pass this test! It’s the hardest in the country! You’re going to fail and then the job you lined up won’t materialize and you won’t be able to pay your student loans.”
As the inner voice grew louder, I felt nauseous. I wanted to go home and postpone taking the test until October, telling myself that I needed more time to study.
Suddenly another voice – calm and kind – popped into my head – “Anne, you’ve worked for months studying for this exam. You did well in law school. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t pass this test. Don’t give up now! Every person here feels nervous and anxious. You can do it – just go in there and give it your best shot. You’ll be fine.”
Fortunately, I listened to that inner voice.
Once I focused on the positive self-talk, the negative chatter quieted down, and I was able to focus on the test.
What I didn’t know, at the time, was that I had unconsciously, through Divine intervention, used a strategy that research shows is extremely effective in neutralizing negative chatter.
Coach or Saboteur?
According to Ethan Kross Ph.D., author of Chatter – The Voice in our Head, Why it Matters and How to Harness It, our self-talk can be a powerful ally by helping us be more creative, direct our behavior and control ourselves.
That same voice can also sabotage us by hijacking our attention from the task at hand, causing us to underperform, freeze or just give up and walk away.
There are numerous studies showing that negative self-talk can sabotage test performance, produce stage fright and undermine success in business negotiations.
Toxic chatter can also negatively affect our health by creating a chronic stress reaction.
His book offers numerous tools to harness our self-talk so that it works for us – not against us.
Creating Distance
Negative chatter starts when we lose our perspective on a situation and zoom in on a thought that triggers our emotions.
In my story, my narrow focus on the difficulty of the test and the low pass rate ratcheted up my fear and anxiety to the point where I wanted to give up.
To escape this downward spiral is to zoom out and refer to yourself as “you” instead of “I” and imagine you’re advising a friend who is stressed out about a situation.
Activate the Inner Coach
Research shows that we can activate our inner coach when we re-frame a stressful experience as a manageable challenge rather than a threat that we can’t handle.
We can make this more powerful by using our first name.
For example, if Samantha’s inner chatterbox is muttering “I‘m afraid I won’t get the job. I’m going to mess up this interview,” she can activate her inner coach by telling herself, “Samantha, you can do this. You’ve got the experience and the skills this job requires. Just take some deep breaths. You’ve got this.”
Give the Inner Saboteur a New Job Description
Our self-talk shapes our feelings, self-image, our behavior and the landscape of our lives. Start paying attention to how you talk to yourself and give your inner saboteur a new job description – empowerment coach!
Be very careful what you say to yourself because someone very important is listening . . . YOU!
John Assaraf
